Saturday, March 1, 2014

Numbing Pain

My heart is heavy this evening. I found myself writing this to a friend a few minutes back. I hope this helps her and I hope it helps you. I hope this gives you a little inspiration and insight along this journey of life. Well.. here goes..

     My dearest friend, I tell you that I love you all the time, but I truly mean it. You think I'm a lucky person, and I truly am blessed, but you don't realize that while I have never cut myself or have never been bulimic, I have my bad days too. I have had moments sitting on the floor in my room in complete darkness. There have been a couple of nights where I thought I would die. 
     Just a week ago I looked at my car door and before opening it I said, "I wonder what would happen if I got in a car crash. I bet no one would care." And I thought about attempting to crash my car that day. I thought about death. 
     While I was never bulimic, I numbed my pain another way. I used to eat. A ton. I would get home and literally stuff my face. I would try to fit as much as I could in my moth of whatever food I could find. I would laugh to make a joke out of it and then cry two seconds later. 
     While I've never been totally verbally abused, I've had people tell me my dreams are unrealistic and that I should get a life. My body has been pointed and laughed at. One girl on the bus just glared at me and said, "God I hate fat people." 
     And far worse, my mind, my innocent mind, the one God blessed me with, has been tormented. Almost every day. I've felt pain in my heart from all the hypocrisy I've seen. 
     That is my life. No. That WAS my life. 
     Until I decided to give it to The Lord completely. You see, I have two parents. Loving, beautiful, and supportive people they are. I have a youth group. A great small bunch of the rowdiest kids you ever did see. I have multiple mentors. Some of the greatest investors in my life. None of that seemed to matter and I still felt alone. Until I decided I wanted Jesus. I became desperate for more than just the motions. I was desperate for something fulfilling and meaningful. Because while I was playing concerts and signing CDs, I still felt alone. And at times I still do. And it is at those times that I cry out to The Lord. He is my rock, he is my refuge. He is El Shadaii. Beginning and end. Alpha and omega. Dedicating my life to Jesus was the best decision I've ever made. My paths are clear and my future is brightening up. I can envision myself alive and passionate. Because that is what I am right now. I never knew so many people cared for me and were praying for me. 
     So I will pray for you. Every day. I am here. I love you, but I have only a tiny piece of love compared to the love of my saviour, Jesus Christ. seek him with all your heart. You will find him. He will make you whole.

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