Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Wish (part 1)

15 January 2014
A Wish
by Lily Garay
    I once saw something online that said, “When you look back you don’t want to have regrets.” It seems as though my life is full of regrets. Okay maybe that’s an over exaggeration. At least when I look back at my second to last semester of high school I have regrets. My senior year has definitely been memorable so far. I feel as though I’ve uncovered parts of myself I never knew existed. Freedom was within grasp and I reached for it. Testing my boundaries and toying with new ideas. Establishing my own views and beliefs and letting go of insecurities. I had never really realized that I was being shaped to become my own person and now I have the responsibility I always desired. I could finally make most of my own decisions. However all of this is only part of my discovery on the odyssey of my life and while the positives outweigh the negatives a piece of me has composed a wish. A long list of wishes, regrets, and things I could take back. Words I could’ve changed, things I should’ve done, and a life better lived. These are the pages I’ve been formulating in my head for months.
    I’m a firm believer in exploring and asking questions. Being raised as a pastor’s kid I would sometimes wonder if I was only a Christian because my parents were. Through much study, research, and personal experience I can firmly say that asking Jesus Christ to be the Lord and Saviour of my life was the best decision I have ever made. As I studied my Bible more I read about respecting your parents and how honoring them will bring you long life. I never really thought I was one to test my parents, but it turns out that even though I’m not a “problem child” I do need to have some more respect for the people that brought me into this world. I wish I would’ve realized that sooner. I wish I hadn’t silently cussed them out in my mind so many times. I wish I would do as I’m told right away. I wish I could be the favorite child.
    As I finish up my last semester of high school and prepare for college I realized that I don’t spend that much time at home anymore. I’ve gone a week or two without spending any real quality time with my parents or siblings. What I didn’t notice was that my younger sister, Ana who is 14 years old, looks up to me. I never thought I was the type of sister she would want to look up to, but she does. I didn’t know she missed me and she didn’t know I missed her. My younger brother, Dito who is 15 years old, also missed me. Turns out that he wished I spent more time with him. I got so caught up going out with friends and working that in my own whirlwind of needs that I didn’t realize my family needed me and I needed them. I wish I would’ve taken my sister bowling more. I wish I would’ve chaufferred her around more because in all honesty, I love it. I wish I would’ve held my brother’s hand more. I wish I would’ve played more video games with him.  I wish I could become the person they can always look up to. I wish I would’ve spent more time with them and less time with my “friends”. I wish I was a better sister.
    My sister tells me I’m beautiful and so does my brother. My dad has nothing but praise for me. This doesn’t mean that my weight hasn’t been a struggle for me. The most I ever weighed was one hundred and eighty pounds. Then I lost 40 of those pounds. It was wonderful. I had the most amazing confidence. Until the beginning of 2013. I allowed my past to creep into my mind. Depression nestled in the depths of my soul and told me I was worthless. Anxiety and loneliness lurked in the darkness of my mind. And food eased the pain. Food stopped me from regretting things. Food took my mind off things. Food was my friend. I steadily gained back 25 pounds. 25 pounds of pure regret. 25 pounds because someone told me I shouldn’t eat that donut. 25 because someone said if I lost just 10 more pounds I would be drop dead gorgeous. 25 pounds because the media said if I didn’t look like Kim Kardashian my life was pointless and I would be forever alone because there’s no way a girl over 140 pounds is “desirable”. But I wish I would’ve worked out harder. I wish I would’ve still eaten that donut. I wish I would’ve had that extra slice of pizza. I wish I didn’t worry about what others said. I wish people would stop pointing out my flaws.
    My greatest fear is being alone. Actually my greatest fear is all of my teeth falling out, but being alone is definitely second. When I look to the places I would rather leave unexplored it’s really the fear of never getting married. The fear of not having any one who cares about you. The fear of not having any real friends. The fear of being forgotten. But when it comes down to it, I wish I would’ve cried less. I wish I would’ve laughed more. I wish I would’ve said what was really on my mind. I wish I hadn’t so carelessly flaunted my opinions and rude words. I wish someone wanted me as much I want them.
    I wish I wouldn’t have wasted time. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted money. I wish I would’ve done better. I wish I would’ve tried harder. I wish I would’ve gotten all A’s in school. I wish I wouldn’t have procrastinated. I wish I could be a size medium. I wish I never worried. I wish I wasn’t so full of contradictions. I wish I didn’t have so many thoughts always running through my head. I wish I would’ve prayed more.
   As I ponder my past there are many words I wish I could take back. Actions that I could erase. But I can’t because it’s behind me and a wish is simply a feeling. As the new year rapidly closes up it’s first month, I have no doubt that these wishes are something I can finally push aside so that I can start anew. Because the last thing I want is to carry those wishes with me to the very last of my days. Dear Fresh Start, I welcome you. It’s my time to flourish and be the best I can be.

1 comment:

Lily Straka said...

Lily thank you for posting this inspiring post!!! I have lot of regrets too, but you are right, this year is a fresh new start! :) We can only look to our future and make the best of it, not dwindle away and waste time pondering about our regrets.

P.S. Whats funny is; one of my greatest fear is all my teeth falling out too. Lol. I thought I was the only one...

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