Friday, December 20, 2013

Fear

     At times I feel invincible. I feel like I'm on top of the world. It's hard to not feel like that when thousands of people are clapping for you. when hundreds of people are cheering you on. when on your birthday one of the most popular things people tell you is "Thank you for being so inspiring and always trying to make me smile".
     I have a great life. There isn't much I can complain about. I constantly find myself in these instantaneous bubbles of happiness which no negative comment could ever burst. But as quickly as they come, they go. Because every day of happiness is another day I wonder when my bubble will burst. Because uncertainty sometimes wins. Insecurity because of the unknown. Careful footsteps in the woods cautious of collapsing in a sink hole.
     Fear. Something that perfect love is supposed to cast out. When I find myself wrapped up in everything good and Holy, I find myself the happiest. That true Love really does cast out all my fears. All my worries. All my anxiety. All my insecurity. And I notice that the days I do not pray or invest time in reading my Bible...are the worst days. To trust in something you've never seen...to believe in someone greater than you... it's an inexplainable...beautiful feeling...It's also one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
     Facing fear is one of the most important things for me. I love confrontation. That's why I'm not afraid of many things. I'm definitely not very insecure. I know who I am and what I love. but when i look deep inside. 
when i look to the places i would rather leave unexplored, i'm afraid of being alone. no, not the kind of afraid you get when you're a little kid and still need to sleep with the light on. the fear of never getting married. the fear of not having any one who cares about you. the fear of not having any real friends. the fear of being forgotten.
     I hate going shopping alone. I hate being out alone. I hate going to the gym alone. I crave attention. Not a desperate attention. What I really seek for is acceptance. I'm not the type to reach out for attention, but because I'm such an extrovert people don't see me as someone who needs attention. Maybe what I really crave is love. Because as independent as I am, I am nothing without God. As independent as I am, I need love. Don't we all?

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